1. Today is the day. Today is the day I begin my journey to getting fit again. I will restrict calories, and I will exercise. I will be sensible, yet committed. I’ve done it before, and there’s no reason I can’t do it again. Besides, I have no choice; it's lose weight or buy new clothes in a larger size.
2. Let’s do this.
3. WHAT is that putrid smell? Is that… me?? Holy crap, I should take a shower. But… if I take a shower, I’ll be clean, and if I’m clean, I won’t exercise, because then I’ll be dirty again and I’ll have to shower a second time, and it’s bad to take two showers in one day because THE ENVIRONMENT.
4. Oh hey, I know! I’ll get dressed in my exercise clothes right now. That way, as soon as the urge strikes, I’ll be ready. God I'm brilliant.
5. I’m not really very hungry, but I’d better eat breakfast. Everyone knows it’s bad to skip meals. I’ll eat something small. A bagel? But bagels are loaded with calories. I’ll only eat half.
*finish half the bagel*
*help child get ready for school*
6. …Soooo…. that’s weird that the other half of the bagel is just sitting there, not being eaten. Really, who puts back half a bagel? That’s weird. How do you even put it back in there? Like which way is it supposed to face? In? Out? This is just too weird; I might as well eat it. It’s just a bagel for God’s sake. Besides, I’m going to exercise today! I’m already in my exercise clothes!
7. Damn, the four-year-old didn’t finish her oatmeal. Meh… it’s only a few bites. OH HOLY NUTBALLS cold oatmeal is disgusting!!! Pretty sure I just ate slobber. But throwing away food is WRONG.
8. Ew. Gross. There. I ate it. One tiny bite left. I won’t go to hell for throwing away one little bite. Oh I know! I’ll give it to the dog. Here, doggy doggy! Now why didn’t I give it to the dog in the first place?
9. WHYYYYYY DID I EAT THE WHOLE BAGEL. That was wayyyy too many calories. Next time I’ll only eat half. But holy crap cream cheese is delicious. Well I’m not going to eat lunch, then. I’ll just have coffee. Coffee is an appetite suppressant, and Lord knows I need that. But it’s bad to skip meals. Okay, I’ll eat lunch… but only a salad.
10. Time to prepare lunch! Oh look, husband sent a text; he’s coming home for lunch! I’d better heat up some leftovers… ooooh YUM, I totally forgot we had that leftover linguini with pesto. Oh but I’m only eating salad for lunch. Be good be good be good BE GOOD! Well… I’ll heat up a tiny bit extra so that I can have a few bites. And for Mari I’ll make peanut butter and jelly and cut up a few apples. But for me, just salad.
11. Mmmmm, yummy salad. I love salad. Yayyyyyy salad. Yummy yummy yummy.
12. But… husband’s pesto linguini looks sooooo delicious over there on the other side of the table waiting for him. When is he going to get here, anyway??? Oh wait, he sent me a text. He’s not coming.
13. GREAT. Now who is going to eat his linguini??? I already finished my salad. I can put away the pesto, but won’t it get kind of dried out? No one’s going to eat it if we keep heating it up again and again. It’ll be all gross and crunchy. But I shouldn’t eat it because I promised myself I’d only have salad. I’ll just eat a few bites, then store the rest. What a splendid idea!
14. HOLY SHIT, PESTO IS A BILLION TIMES AWESOMER THAN SALAD. Just three bites. Now put it away. Put it in the Tupperware. Mmmm… just one more quick bite.
15. FUCKAROONYNUTBALLS I ATE ALL THE PESTO.
16. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?
17. And the four-year-old didn’t finish her sandwich. Or her apples. We can save the sandwich for later but that apple definitely won’t save. I really need to keep lemons around so I can save apples. But lemons are fucking expensive! Why are lemons so expensive? That’s okay, I’ll just eat the apples. Apples are healthy. I mean, who gets fat from eating too many apples? Nobody, that’s who.
18. UGHHHHHHHH I’m full. I’m going to eat nothing but salad for dinner. I’ll cook steak, rice, and steamed broccoli for everyone else but I’ll eat only salad. Maybe I’ll put a few pieces of steak in my salad. You have to eat protein for your muscles.
19. Holy crap, I stink. I need to shower – but I still haven’t exercised yet. I’ll just let this food settle first and then I’ll exercise. Around 3:30 should be perfect. Oh but I have to pick Lucas up from school at 3:30. Okay, then right after that. At 4:00. I’m definitely going to exercise at 4:00. I have no choice.
20. Lucas didn’t finish his schoolwork, that little a-hole. Now I have to sit with him and help him finish it. It’s not that much; this should be super-quick.
21. Time to start dinner. I STILL STINK AND I HAVE NOT EXERCISED! FOR THE LOVE!
22. From now on, I’m going to exercise first thing in the morning so I can get it out of the way. First thing, before I even eat! Before the kids even wake up! I’ll be a whole new person – one of those “up at dawn” people who likes the sounds of birds chirping! It’ll be so great.
23. Today, though, I’ll have to bite the bullet and exercise right after dinner, even though it’s obviously going to suck giant monkey balls. But I’m strong; I can handle it. I’ll need to take it easy, of course, because I’ll be exercising on a full stomach, and we don’t want to have another incident like that time I went jogging after eating pizza and had to waddle the last mile so my diarrhea wouldn’t come shooting out of my butt. That was horrible.
24. But for now, let’s start dinner. I should totally put turmeric, sun-dried tomatoes and fresh basil in the rice. And tons of olive oil and garlic. It’s practically Mediterranean! I am such a good cook! My family is sooo lucky to have me. But I’m not eating rice. I’m only going to have a teeny-tiny bit of steak in my salad.
25. Mmmmm, salad. YUM. Yum yum yum, salad is yummy.
26. Maybe I’ll just have a teeny-tiny bit of rice. I mean, I went to all that trouble to make it almost-mediterranean-style, so I might as well eat some of it. But just a teeny-tiny bit. Man, it is super-yummy! I really am a good cook! But I will refrain from having more, I really will. I’m all done. Wow, look! I actually have will-power! Yay!!! And I only took a few pieces of steak. I really did. I can feel my willpower coming back now. Tomorrow will be so much better than today.
27. Neither kid finished their rice. Or steak. Honey, do you want to eat the kids’ leftovers? No? But we can’t save it. Bacteria will grow, because, you know, slobber. Are you sure? Okay, well… give the steak to the dog. But not the rice; too much salt. I guess I’ll eat the rice. It’s not that much.
28. Dammit, I’m super-full. And I still have to exercise. I am GOING to exercise! Coffee. I need coffee. That way my food will digest faster and I’ll be able to exercise.
29. Mmmm coffee. I love coffee. I’ll check Facebook on my phone really fast while I drink my coffee. Ohhhhh, look who’s passive-aggressively complaining about her husband on Facebook again! Doesn’t she know what people think of her when she does that? *eyeroll* Oh look, cats! Cats are a-holes but they sure are adorable and hilarious. Awwww, a video of a baby who just got cochlear implants and is hearing his mother’s voice for the first time! Annnnnd now I’m sobbing. Quick, watch funny videos! HAHAHAHAHA!
30. Okay, time to exercise, and I mean it this time.
31. CRAP!!! I need to give the kids baths and it’s already eight o’clock! Husband is asleep on the floor. That asshole. Wait – that’s not fair – he woke up at six. He wakes up every single day an hour and a half earlier than I do. And sometimes I take naps. He never gets naps. I would be a horrible, horrible person to wake him up right now. He works so hard so I can stay home and take care of the kids and pretend to be a writer.
32. But now I can’t exercise! Maybe after I put the kids to bed? But then it will be dark. I could do one of my old DVDs? Ugh – who am I kidding? I’ll start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.
33. Come on kids, let’s take showers. Including me; I fucking stink.
34. Heyyyyy, I forgot that we had pistachios in the pantry! I’d better eat those tonight.
35. Tomorrow, I’m starting my diet.