Tuesday, April 22, 2014

35 thoughts that go through a mom's head the day she begins her diet

1. Today is the day. Today is the day I begin my journey to getting fit again. I will restrict calories, and I will exercise. I will be sensible, yet committed. I’ve done it before, and there’s no reason I can’t do it again. Besides, I have no choice; it's lose weight or buy new clothes in a larger size.

2. Let’s do this.

3. WHAT is that putrid smell? Is that… me?? Holy crap, I should take a shower. But… if I take a shower, I’ll be clean, and if I’m clean, I won’t exercise, because then I’ll be dirty again and I’ll have to shower a second time, and it’s bad to take two showers in one day because THE ENVIRONMENT.

4. Oh hey, I know! I’ll get dressed in my exercise clothes right now. That way, as soon as the urge strikes, I’ll be ready. God I'm brilliant.

5. I’m not really very hungry, but I’d better eat breakfast. Everyone knows it’s bad to skip meals. I’ll eat something small. A bagel? But bagels are loaded with calories. I’ll only eat half.

*finish half the bagel*

*help child get ready for school*
6. …Soooo…. that’s weird that the other half of the bagel is just sitting there, not being eaten. Really, who puts back half a bagel? That’s weird. How do you even put it back in there? Like which way is it supposed to face? In? Out? This is just too weird; I might as well eat it. It’s just a bagel for God’s sake. Besides, I’m going to exercise today! I’m already in my exercise clothes!

7. Damn, the four-year-old didn’t finish her oatmeal. Meh… it’s only a few bites. OH HOLY NUTBALLS cold oatmeal is disgusting!!! Pretty sure I just ate slobber. But throwing away food is WRONG.

8. Ew. Gross. There. I ate it. One tiny bite left. I won’t go to hell for throwing away one little bite. Oh I know! I’ll give it to the dog. Here, doggy doggy! Now why didn’t I give it to the dog in the first place?

9. WHYYYYYY DID I EAT THE WHOLE BAGEL. That was wayyyy too many calories. Next time I’ll only eat half. But holy crap cream cheese is delicious. Well I’m not going to eat lunch, then. I’ll just have coffee. Coffee is an appetite suppressant, and Lord knows I need that. But it’s bad to skip meals. Okay, I’ll eat lunch… but only a salad.

10. Time to prepare lunch! Oh look, husband sent a text; he’s coming home for lunch! I’d better heat up some leftovers… ooooh YUM, I totally forgot we had that leftover linguini with pesto. Oh but I’m only eating salad for lunch. Be good be good be good BE GOOD! Well… I’ll heat up a tiny bit extra so that I can have a few bites. And for Mari I’ll make peanut butter and jelly and cut up a few apples. But for me, just salad.

11. Mmmmm, yummy salad. I love salad. Yayyyyyy salad. Yummy yummy yummy.

12. But… husband’s pesto linguini looks sooooo delicious over there on the other side of the table waiting for him. When is he going to get here, anyway??? Oh wait, he sent me a text. He’s not coming.

13. GREAT. Now who is going to eat his linguini??? I already finished my salad. I can put away the pesto, but won’t it get kind of dried out? No one’s going to eat it if we keep heating it up again and again. It’ll be all gross and crunchy. But I shouldn’t eat it because I promised myself I’d only have salad. I’ll just eat a few bites, then store the rest. What a splendid idea!

14. HOLY SHIT, PESTO IS A BILLION TIMES AWESOMER THAN SALAD. Just three bites. Now put it away. Put it in the Tupperware. Mmmm… just one more quick bite.



17. And the four-year-old didn’t finish her sandwich. Or her apples. We can save the sandwich for later but that apple definitely won’t save. I really need to keep lemons around so I can save apples. But lemons are fucking expensive! Why are lemons so expensive? That’s okay, I’ll just eat the apples. Apples are healthy. I mean, who gets fat from eating too many apples? Nobody, that’s who.

18. UGHHHHHHHH I’m full. I’m going to eat nothing but salad for dinner. I’ll cook steak, rice, and steamed broccoli for everyone else but I’ll eat only salad. Maybe I’ll put a few pieces of steak in my salad. You have to eat protein for your muscles.

19. Holy crap, I stink. I need to shower – but I still haven’t exercised yet. I’ll just let this food settle first and then I’ll exercise. Around 3:30 should be perfect. Oh but I have to pick Lucas up from school at 3:30. Okay, then right after that. At 4:00. I’m definitely going to exercise at 4:00. I have no choice.

20. Lucas didn’t finish his schoolwork, that little a-hole. Now I have to sit with him and help him finish it. It’s not that much; this should be super-quick.


22. From now on, I’m going to exercise first thing in the morning so I can get it out of the way. First thing, before I even eat! Before the kids even wake up! I’ll be a whole new person – one of those “up at dawn” people who likes the sounds of birds chirping! It’ll be so great.  

23. Today, though, I’ll have to bite the bullet and exercise right after dinner, even though it’s obviously going to suck giant monkey balls. But I’m strong; I can handle it. I’ll need to take it easy, of course, because I’ll be exercising on a full stomach, and we don’t want to have another incident like that time I went jogging after eating pizza and had to waddle the last mile so my diarrhea wouldn’t come shooting out of my butt. That was horrible.

24. But for now, let’s start dinner. I should totally put turmeric, sun-dried tomatoes and fresh basil in the rice. And tons of olive oil and garlic. It’s practically Mediterranean! I am such a good cook! My family is sooo lucky to have me. But I’m not eating rice. I’m only going to have a teeny-tiny bit of steak in my salad.

25. Mmmmm, salad. YUM. Yum yum yum, salad is yummy.

26. Maybe I’ll just have a teeny-tiny bit of rice. I mean, I went to all that trouble to make it almost-mediterranean-style, so I might as well eat some of it. But just a teeny-tiny bit. Man, it is super-yummy! I really am a good cook! But I will refrain from having more, I really will. I’m all done. Wow, look! I actually have will-power! Yay!!! And I only took a few pieces of steak. I really did. I can feel my willpower coming back now. Tomorrow will be so much better than today.

27. Neither kid finished their rice. Or steak. Honey, do you want to eat the kids’ leftovers? No? But we can’t save it. Bacteria will grow, because, you know, slobberAre you sure? Okay, well… give the steak to the dog. But not the rice; too much salt. I guess I’ll eat the rice. It’s not that much.

28. Dammit, I’m super-full. And I still have to exercise. I am GOING to exercise! Coffee. I need coffee. That way my food will digest faster and I’ll be able to exercise.

29. Mmmm coffee. I love coffee. I’ll check Facebook on my phone really fast while I drink my coffee. Ohhhhh, look who’s passive-aggressively complaining about her husband on Facebook again! Doesn’t she know what people think of her when she does that? *eyeroll* Oh look, cats! Cats are a-holes but they sure are adorable and hilarious. Awwww, a video of a baby who just got cochlear implants and is hearing his mother’s voice for the first time! Annnnnd now I’m sobbing. Quick, watch funny videos! HAHAHAHAHA!

30. Okay, time to exercise, and I mean it this time

31. CRAP!!! I need to give the kids baths and it’s already eight o’clock! Husband is asleep on the floor. That asshole. Wait – that’s not fair – he woke up at six. He wakes up every single day an hour and a half earlier than I do. And sometimes I take naps. He never gets naps. I would be a horrible, horrible person to wake him up right now. He works so hard so I can stay home and take care of the kids and pretend to be a writer.

32. But now I can’t exercise! Maybe after I put the kids to bed? But then it will be dark. I could do one of my old DVDs? Ugh – who am I kidding? I’ll start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.

33. Come on kids, let’s take showers. Including me; I fucking stink.

34. Heyyyyy, I forgot that we had pistachios in the pantry! I’d better eat those tonight.

35. Tomorrow, I’m starting my diet.  

Monday, April 21, 2014

What Happened When I Tried Anorexia

I can remember the exact moment I decided to become anorexic. Yes—it was a decision; there was no gradual, mindless descent into an uncharted abyss. I stood before the trash-can in my college dorm-room, tossed an entire saucepan worth of tasteless, over-cooked noodles into it, and said aloud: “F*ck food. I am doing this.” Then I threw away all my other food too, and took out the trash so my roommate wouldn’t know what I’d done.
For the next two weeks, I subsisted on two grape-sodas per day plus whatever free beer the nearby bars funneled down my under-age throat. I slept four or five hours per night, attended all my classes, aced all my tests (as always), and acted like everything was normal. I told no one what I was doing. I knew people would find out eventually, but I wanted to be too far gone by the time anyone noticed.
Today on:

Sunday, April 13, 2014

The undeserved nervous-breakdown: anxieties of a SAHM with a perfect life*

Today I woke up at 10:00 a.m. (that's really fucking late). I feel guilty when I wake up so late because my husband gets up at 6:00 a.m. and it’s not fair for me to get so much more sleep than he does. When I sleep in I feel like I’m slapping him in the face. So my whole day starts really late, and I have to go grocery shopping but we end up going when my husband normally comes home for lunch, so the kids don’t get to see him and that makes me feel doubly guilty. (I'm crying as I write this am I seriously crying???) I have to deny Lucas a cookie at the grocery store because I’ve been a lazy parent and his behavior has gotten out of control. Get it together, momma. Discipline that kid. Be consistent. His little sister rubs it in his face that she got a cookie and he didn’t. She’s such a little kiss-ass. He cries this sad, quiet cry and I almost go back and get him a cookie. (He really wasn’t that bad… He can’t help it; he has ADHD. Stop making excuses for him, Kristen.) Shit. Maybe I could make banana pudding for him. I would do that, as a ridiculous consolation for not getting the stupid cookie, but… I’m too goddamn tired. And plus, then I might eat it. And my hair is really greasy. I dumped baby powder on my head and slicked it into a ponytail to go to the grocery store. I should shower. It’s been so long that I’m embarrassed to say how long it’s been. I should shower. I already said that. But I want, no, need to exercise. If I shower I won’t exercise. I HAVE TO EXERCISE. If I don’t, it’ll be the start of a slippery slope to gaining all my weight back. I ate like a fucking pig over the weekend. Cookies, ice cream, macaroni and cheese. I HATE those things. They are not even food!!! GAH!!! And my phone has been blowing up all day. LEAVE ME ALONE, PHONE!!! I can’t deal with people right now… and Candy Crush, you’re a life-sucking asshole! I’m going to delete you as soon as I finish this level! And my people… they’re all such nice people, the very best people in the world, I love them. But go away, people that I love. Happy birthday, sister. Sing Happy Birthday to the phone, kids, while mommy’s heart pounds against her ribcage, at the edge of an undeserved break-down. The air in the car is set to ‘arctic’ and I’m still sweating like a motherfucking horse (I have to say "horse" and not "pig" because pigs don’t sweat you know – WHY DON’T PIGS SWEAT THAT IS SO WEIRD). So I'm sweating and it's dripping down my butt-crack. Why am I sweating like this? Why do I feel this way? I don’t deserve to feel this way; I’m not allowed. I’m in the top five percent! After sleeping in till 10:00 a.m. I take a nap on the floor from 1:00 to 2:00. I just lay down on the carpet and fall asleep, with the kids screaming bloody murder while they make a blanket fort. Who does that? My to-do list is soooo long. I have a lump in my neck that I need to get checked out but the dog needs a vet appointment. Hey, I know; how ‘bout if I don’t call on either one of them! I almost burned the beans. Because today is the kind of day where I will put something to cook on the stove and I will completely forget about it. I need to chop a bunch of vegetables to put in the beans so they’ll be extra-healthy, because I care so damn much about healthy eating. Oh who cares, the kids won’t even eat them anyway. My husband won’t care. He’ll fart a whole fucking lot tonight, though, fucking beans. The plan is to cook dinner early, and when my husband gets home, leave for a nice, long, six-mile run. But it’s about to storm. It’s pitch-black outside. Of course. God I need to exercise (these demons). What is that smell? Is that me? I think I can smell myself. If I knew it wouldn’t lightning, I’d run in the rain. That’d be good therapy. I could use a little therapy right now. Except that I don’t deserve to feel like this. My life is perfect.


*I wrote this last August and never published it because I felt like I was being whiny. Looking back, I realize how much I was struggling. I might have sent a text to my husband telling him I felt like crying and didn't know why, but I never told anyone else how I felt. I think isolating myself made me feel even worse. It seemed like the right thing to do to share this now to let other women who experience these kinds of feelings know they are not alone. Need to vent? That’s what the comments are for…

Monday, April 7, 2014

Holy Crap My Kid is Awesome: conversations with Lucas

*He's brushing my hair* Mom, how did life begin?

Wow, babe - that's a really big question. What do you think?

*thinks for a while* I'm not really sure... but I think it has something to do with the God particle.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Sleepless Insanity: The ugly truth about the first few months of parenthood...

Once, before we were married, my husband pulled an all-nighter driving from Cincinnati, Ohio to Orlando, Florida. That’s a 13-hour drive. I was thoroughly awed at the man’s ability to dispense with sleep. In fact, my reverence of his mental fortitude during that trip was one of the reasons I married him.
So when my husband spent the entire first night of our son’s life pacing the hospital room with a sleepless infant, neither one of us was very surprised that he’d managed to stay awake the whole night. Impressed, maybe – but not surprised. I thought smugly, Golly, he’s going to be such a laid-back daddy. My shmoopsy-woopsies is the BEST. My husband banged on his chest like a proud caveman and declared, “Pfft! That wasn’t bad! I could do that every night!” And thanks to my post-childbirth fatigue, combined with the powerful pain killers I’d been given for my blown-to-smithereens-and-sewn-back-up vagina, I was addle-brained enough to find my husband’s suggestion to be perfectly reasonable, and not insane in the least.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Bibbity Bobbity Boobs Be Gone

I don’t understand boobs.
They start out innocently enough, with their perky, come-hither perch and slight, unobtrusive nipples (<<< Really? “nipples”? Could we have called them something slightly less creepy maybe?), and they do provide life-sustaining nourishment to our kiddos for a time. But once all that magic is done with, boobs become useless dangling appendages, like an appendix, but on the outside, and therefore much easier to accidentally catch in a zipper.
Dear evolution: I am not impressed. 

Sadly, I feel I might be alone in this sentiment. Once, when I was about 13, I attended a slumber party with a few friends. At one point they all went topless, showing off their freshly-minted boobies, jumping around in front of the mirror like giggling lunatics, smashing them together to see who could make the most cleavage, something they unquestionably did not possess one year prior. I was the only one who kept my shirt on, and instead sat on the edge of the bed pretending I wasn’t completely mortified. Was every girl but me obsessed with her boobs?

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Participating in the Leibster Award Out of Loyalty (or Fear)

Silence of the Mom was my roommate in college and knows incriminating things about me; it would not be wise to incur her wrath. Hence, I am participating in this blog-award chain-mail thingy at her request. (Shes funny and honest too, so definitely go see what shes about.)

Okay lets do this. 11 random facts, 10 questions to answer, and 10 questions for my 3 nominees.
11 random facts about me:
1. I’m eating popcorn right now and getting grease all over the keyboard.
2. I’m also drinking half a blender’s worth of strawberry daiquiri, but I keep forgetting about it, so it has melted into spiked strawberry-water. 
3. I can't sleep with the windows open because I'm afraid I'll get abducted by aliens. My husband thinks this is hilarious. So you think that a civilization capable of traveling light-years across space and time wouldn't be able to figure out a window?