How to NOT Be a Douche-Canoe With Regards to Politics

Douche-Canoes abound. I guess this theme is going to become a series.

We’ve all seen it: The ads. The too-loud conversations. The annoying Facebook posts. The douche-canoe behavior has culminated in an epic land-slide of icky, slippery, slimy ugliness on this Election Day.

And I just can’t stay quiet any longer.

I implore all of you to spread the word… Here is how to NOT be a douche-canoe with regards to politics:

1)      Do not loudly declare your political views in public places, with the hope that all who hear you will be suddenly enlightened by your brilliant rhetoric and will either stand up solemnly and start slow-clapping for you, or suddenly change their minds about voting for that other guy. It’s not gonna happen, dude.

2)      Do NOT talk politics at work. Is this REALLY not obvious???

3)      On Facebook, if you feel really strongly about a political stance and you simply can’t contain yourself from commenting… (Please just don’t, please please) …if/when you do, just remember that it is a veritable certainty that not all of your Facebook friends share your views! Too many times I have seen friends post long, venomous diatribes with the obvious assumption that all of their friends are like-minded. (THEY ARE NOT!!! I ASSURE YOU!!!)  Sometimes I get the feeling that people who do this are looking for validation: “Obama/Romney is a big stupid moron and doesn’t deserve to live! Right, friends? Quick! Like my comment! I need confirmation that I’m brilliantly sarcastic and witty and overflowing with political savvy!”

Remember, all the people who didn’t like your comment are scrunching up their noses in disgust at you.

4)      Also with regards to Facebook: Do NOT, for the love of all things holy, share a political post unless you at least research it first to verify its accuracy! Even then, THINK FIRST! Is it offensive or hateful? Does it spread vitriol and intolerance? If it does, then don’t post it! If you do, YOU’RE A DOUCHE-CANOE!!

5)      If your religious convictions inform your political decisions, that’s great. Mine do too. But neither your faith nor mine should provide grounds to belittle or spew hate at others who don’t share our convictions. Trying to convert people to your faith is one thing; forcing it upon others via the political process is pointless and impractical. No one ever converted anyone to their faith willingly by legislation.

6)      People who vote for the other guy are not necessarily stupid. Maybe they are. But it’s just as likely that they’re not. Don’t be a big douche-canoe and go around calling half of your fellow Americans stupid just because you don’t agree with them. That just makes you look stupid.

7)      At the voting booth, trying to peek over at your neighbor’s answers makes you a douche-canoe and a weirdo. Don’t do that.

8)      Do not campaign for your candidate while in line to vote. If a person is in line, they’ve already decided. (Duh.)

9)      Democrats, don’t assume that politics are all black and white. Republicans are not all a bunch of greedy, racist, gay-hating, environment-killing religious zealots who want women to grin joyfully while giving birth to their rape-babies without insurance while a Republican points their firearm at them. Most of the time, Republicans have reasons for their opinions, and if you would take a second to unwrap your arms from around that tree you might be able to find some common ground with them.   

10)  Republicans, don’t assume that politics are all black and white. Democrats are not all a bunch of atheist, tree-hugging, sexual deviant, hippie baby-killers standing in the welfare line sharing a doobie while snorting laughter at the expense of all those ‘rich suckers’ whose tax dollars are funding their permanent ‘vacation.’ Most of the time, Democrats have reasons for their opinions, and if you would take a second to get your finger off the trigger of your firearm, you might be able to find some common ground with them.    

In case it’s not already obvious, I’m in the middle. It’s not that I’m indecisive; it’s just that I can see and relate to both sides. Besides, how can I be an unbiased researcher of the issues if I’m a member of a party that is telling me what I’m supposed to think? When making political decisions, I research as much as I can, and I always ask myself if my political decisions are based on a desire for my own personal gain, or whether I am truly thinking about what is best for humanity.

That last paragraph? ^^^ My opinion. You don’t have to agree with me. I promise. I totally won’t hate you if you have a different way of thinking about politics. That’s just how I think about it.

And when I find myself having a difference of political opinion with my friends, family, or neighbors, I will damn sure remember that I love and respect them as human beings, and will not call them stupid or use hateful words that would imply my conviction of their stupidity, neither to their face nor as a coward in a general statement to no one in particular on Facebook, simply because they disagree with me.

If I did, I would be a douche-canoe.